I live in new york city,
and it's ok there.
I live in a nice building.
I never lived
in a nice place before.
When I was growing up,
I had no money.
I mean, my mom didn't.
Didn't matter. I was a child.
But I'm not used to it
'cause it's nice.
There's, like,
a pretty courtyard
With flowers and a fountain
with little marble boys pissing.
I don't know.
What is it with fountains?
Like, all fountain sculptors
are pedophiles, basically.
You can't get a fountain
made without —
"can you make me a fountain?"
"yes, I'll get started
right away!
"oh! Oh, yes!
Yes!
It's finished!"
And it's just little boys
pissing on the face
Of a greek god
that looks like him a lot.
"ah, just piss on me forever!"
Anyway, there's one of those
in the courtyard of my building,
And my first week in
the building about a year ago,
I went down to the courtyard
for the first time,
And I didn't look
too good, you know?
It was a Sunday morning.
That's my
least presentable hour.
There's a lot of, you know,
just stains,
Just like, you know,
food and me and whatever…
Woman: Oh!
And so I'm sitting there.
So? Shut up.
Ha ha ha!
"ohh!"
Anyway, but so there I was.
I'm sitting on the stone bench
of this courtyard
And feeling a little
out of place.
You know, there's
these fancy doormen and stuff,
And then there's this guy
looking at me.
I notice he's looking at me
from across the courtyard,
And he's all spiffy-looking.
He's got brown shoes, and he's
looking at me like, "hmm."
I can tell he was thinking
I don't live in the building.
He thinks I just wandered in
off the streets
And sat in the courtyard.
I can tell he's thinking
of coming over
And dealing with me on his own,
and I'm sitting there thinking,
Like, "oh, please do that. Yes.
Please, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on,"
And I'm trying to look
even more gross,
And I'm, like,
pulling up my shirt, "uhh…"
And then I see him go, "oh, no.
That's not gonna do at all,"
And he comes over to me,
"hmm," and I'm like,
"mm! Num num num!"
I'm so excited to have
this thing, a confrontation
Where I'm not wrong at all
and he thinks I am.
"rrgh!"
So he comes over, says,
"excuse me,
"do you live in this building?"
And I said, "no,"
'cause why not start there?
I said, "no."
He goes, "well then,
what are you doing here?"
And I said, "I just need
to rest.
I'm having a hard time."
He says,
"this is private property,"
And I said, "well, I don't
really believe in that."
You know, just the worst things
I could say
From his point of view
Is basically all the things
I was saying,
And he goes,
"well, if you don't leave,
I'm gonna talk to the doorman."
I was like, "can I just stay,
like, five more hours?"
So he's — "hmm, no,"
and he goes over to the doorman
And I see him talking about me
to the doorman like this,
And then I see the doorman
going, "oh, no.
That guy lives here. It's ok,"
Ah, and the look on his face —
mwah mwah! Num num! —
It was just so —
It was this beautiful cocktail
of anger and confusion.
It's like I had invented a new
way to hurt somebody's feelings.
That's how excited I was.
