Ok, ok, we got it! Keep your star pants on!
Without the rights to some of its most popular titles
and its biggest stars' contracts about to expire,
watch Marvel Studios scrape the bottom of the barrel for their
obscure 70's comic book that barely anyone read
proving once and for all we'll see ANYTHING if you slap Marvel's name in front of it.
Suit up for Marvel's attempt at Star Wars,
in a science fantasy adventure about heroes you've never heard of
"Star-Lord."
"Who?"
protecting a planet none of them live on
from an underdeveloped alien villain whose problems you couldn't
... We're really reaching here. This was a fun movie.
Journey across the galaxy to meet this gang of lovable misfits.
There's Captain Star-Lord, from America. The human leader from a
Gamora, the Black Widow-ish leatherclad female assassin...
Drax, the guy with killer aaaabs who doesn't understand our customs in a Thor kind of way...
Groot, a big hulking tree. Get it?
And Rocket, the wisecracking tech genius with a drinking problem,
What I'm trying to say is, they're the Space Avengers.
I guess it's technically it's not stealing if they're ripping off themselves.
Watch the guardians race to find an excuse for more Avengers sequels by chasing after
an orb of world conquering power that no one bothers to guard
and a gem so powerful it can kill you just by touching it
or you can join hands to disperse its power...
or you can just jam it into a hammer and use it safely from
It's best not to think about it too hard.
You thought the Avengers was nerdy?
Between all the action and comedy, get ready for a whole lot of space mumbo jumbo.
"I will unfurl one thousand years of Kree justice on Xandar."
"What's important now is we get the Ravagers' army to help us save Xandar."
"So we can give the stone to Yondu?"
"The remnants of these systems were forged into concentrated ingots..."
Then if you can figure any of that out, try to figure out why this blue alien
isn't working with THIS blue alien
who's working for THIS blue alien
who both want to kill this PURPLE alien
as does this Christmas-colored alien.
But if you get confused, just remember:
the hero is still the white guy.
So experience the swagger of a movie studio drunk on its own power,
as Marvel trolls the world with balls out middle fingers to the audience they know they
have in the palm of their hands.
Oh, you like superheroes? Well how about a movie that stars a f***ing raccoon and a f***ing
tree?
You like Vin Diesel? Yeah well we cast him and he only says one
You want more some pedigreed actors? We'll put 'em in stupid outfits and make 'em say
"All Nova pilots interlock and form a blockade."
Because who doesn't want to be in a f***ing Marvel movie?
Hey recognize that chubby idiot from Parks and Rec? We're gonna
turn into a sex symbol, that would be hilarious...
Remember the worst movie we ever made, Howard the Duck? Stick that after the credits
when everyone's expecting Avengers 2...
it'll totally f*** with our fans and they'll love it anyways.
Speaking of which, remember Thanos from that one scene at the end of The Avengers a few
years ago? Well, we're bringing him back, and he's STILL not doing sh*t.
Why? Because f*** you we're Marvel, that's why.
What are you gonna do, watch DC?
Starring...
Ok, I get where Star-Lord's Walkman came from, but where do you get a tape deck for a spaceship?